In My Mind
by Wendy3
Summary: Set just after Buffy's mother dies, this explores how Buffy may have been feeling at this time.


  
  
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Title: In My Mind  
Part 1/1  
Time/Place: Set in the 5th Season of Buffy, after Joyce has died.

  


Things weren't looking too good for Buffy. She knew that. She knew that so badly that if she thought about it anymore, she felt she would suffocate. So much pressure on her right now, to do the "right thing", to be "grown up". She was barely 20, for God's sake. Barely more than a kid herself. Now she had to be a mother, even though she felt like an orphan herself. 

As she told Willow, she had a life, she had Dawn's. And oh, what fun that was. Dawn was certainly colourful enough, having issues with being the key and all, but basically she was still Buffy's kid sister. How could Buffy see her any differently? It hadn't been so long ago that Buffy had been coming down on Dawn for wearing her favourite top, and Mom had looked all concerned that it would upset Dawn further. More "key" issues. Mom had been so worried about that, so preoccupied. Buffy had felt sorry for her, so sorry that her Mom had had to go through so much. First having her eldest daughter be a vampire slayer, then discovering her youngest wasn't even her daughter at all... It wasn't what her Mom had deserved. After the divorce, there had been little for her Mom except her kids and a freaky robot boyfriend. Life on a Hellmouth was not kind to divorcees so it turned out - not kind at all. 

Buffy blinked her eyes at that thought, and tried to block all the images of "that" afternoon flooding into her brain. She couldn't get the eyes out of her mind, the staring eyes. And sometimes it was all she could think of. The soggy blotches in the kitchen towel, the dull crunch of lifeless ribs. It scared her to think like that. She couldn't bear to think what Dawn thought - but she should. She should show Dawn motherly love and concern, be tender but firm - so hard to be a good mother. Especially when sometimes you forget what your mother even looked like... 

She knew she should get on and do some housework, fold some laundry. That's what Mom would do. Being organised was the key to good parenting: her Mom and Giles had even tried the 24 hour schedule out on her when she was 17. It hadn't worked at all, but then she'd been hiding Angel and nobody knew. Buffy had had priorities of her own; none of which included running away again, something she knew her mother, Giles and the Scoobs were terrified of. They never knew the truth. She had had everything she'd needed right there. 

Long lost days. 

Why did she waste those days? That's all she could think now, all alone in the motherless kitchen. She had had no idea of how good she'd had things, instead had just wasted her time being so serious and self-righteous. Had her Mom ever known how much she loved her, how grateful Buffy was for all the sacrifices she had made. It wasn't easy being a single mother, especially when your eldest's the slayer. She hoped desperately that her Mom had seen all the times she was happy, that Buffy had given her the normal teen daughter Buffy knew her Mom had longed for. She prayed to whatever made time float by that Dawn made a better job of it all than Buffy herself had, and made Mom proud. All that Buffy wanted for Dawn was a normal life, one without adult responsibility, evil and romances with souled vampires she could never have... 

That was more Buffy's department. 

For a second, the wistful smile crossing Buffy's mouth had nothing of its funereal wilt. The glow that shimmered in her heart dwelled tenderly upon the gentle way he had held her while she had told him what she could tell no other. All her fears about the responsibility and her new life. He had been the one there for her, who had made her survive that night. Even though she knew their kiss reminded him of everything he could never have, his first thought had been for her. Knowing she had his love was of comfort now, despite the aching loss in this empty house. 

Still, there were more practical issues at hand. Like protecting Dawn from the evil bitch monster of a God that was Glory, the beast of bad hair days and bin liner dress sense. Talk about "slutty". That ho was in desperate need of a decent manicure and an etenity of Cosmo. Cordy should have been the slayer, she thought fondly. Like Glory would have stood a chance there. 

This had given Buffy more purpose, and she found herself quite astounded to have a big pile of freshly folded laundry in front of her. 

"Did I really do that?" It was more an announcement than a question. 

And she hoped Mom was listening.


End file.
